In lieu of publishing a chapter of Lonely Girl this week, I wanted to share a personal update, so here goes….
First, I got married a few weeks ago!
The reality of getting to say, “my husband” while describing Trevor to a stranger I’ve just met, or catching glimpses of his wedding band, or getting our marriage license in the mail and buying a new car together—is still sinking in. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it’s real.
Yet amidst this insane happiness, we’ve also been navigating some challenging family stuff, too.
I haven't really known how to talk about this, as I'm not sure what will happen from one day to the next. But I wanted to be honest with you, since you're a reader, and let you know my mom had a stroke during our wedding weekend.
For context, my mom and I are really close. She’s my best friend, my book editor, and the person I call on a daily basis. Nearly every sentence you’ve read in Lonely Girl thus far has been edited by her. This book would quite literally not exist without her.
When I initially wrote Lonely Girl, I wrote it for print. I didn’t think it would be read here on Substack. So up until this point, the bulk of what my mom and I have been working on together has been re-formatting the book so it reads smoothly on Substack.
On Thursday afternoon, a few days before my wedding, she was her normal self. Everything was fine. She was running errands and helping me finalize some last-minute wedding details.
Then on Friday, I didn't hear from her all day, which I thought was weird, because of how often we talk. Yet I was so busy, I didn't dwell on it.
When we both arrived at the rehearsal on Friday afternoon, I walked right up to her and started chatting, knowing instantly, within seconds, that something was gravely wrong.
She wasn't responding like her normal self. She was extremely quiet. Not engaged. It was like she was there, seemingly aware of what was going on, but she couldn't say anything.
I kept asking her, "What's wrong, Mom? Are you okay?"
And she kept smiling and saying, "I'm fine. I’m fine."
But I knew she wasn’t.
As the weekend went on, things did not get better.
Every time I would ask her if she was okay, she would smile graciously and say, "I'm fine,” all over again.
There would be moments when it seemed like Hmm, maybe she is getting better. But then she would revert back to being uncharacteristically quiet and unable to speak or respond to our friends or family.
On Saturday night, I couldn’t sleep.
I had this sick-to-my-stomach feeling that something was very, very wrong. My heart hurt for her—and for me, knowing how important this wedding was to her. I wanted her to be there with me. To really be there, in only the way moms can be.
I didn't know what to do.
Our friends and family insisted she go to the hospital, but she didn't want to, not wanting to miss out on anything.
By Monday morning, after the wedding was over, my Dad took her to the ER.
Sure enough, she had suffered a stroke and was experiencing aphasia, a condition that affects speech and language. The neurologist said she was lucky—that had the stroke hit just slightly to the left, she would have been completely paralyzed. Yet the doctor was hopeful and expected a full recovery. She would be okay.
Since then, it’s been touch and go.
Some days it seems like she’s back to her old self, other days she struggles to find the words.
I keep thinking about what she told me in the hospital on the night she was first admitted.
"I'm worried about the book," she said, looking at me, both of us knowing how much work there was still left to do.
My heart hurt in that moment, just knowing how deeply she cares about Lonely Girl. How rare is that, you know? To have someone love your creation like it’s their own. To work beside someone who really loves you, champions your work, and believes you'll succeed in pursuing it.
“Mom, we’re going to take it one day at a time,” I said. “It’s going to be okay.”
And even though things are moving a bit slower these days, it has been okay.
She is alive and well. And in the end, nothing else matters except for that.
In terms of what comes next, I plan to re-release chapter nine of Lonely Girl once I get the audio files (LG Readers in my Chat know all about that story).
Chapter ten of Lonely Girl will be released next Thursday, October 17, a week from today.
Thank you for patience as we continue preparing each chapter.
I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share this with you. My mom encouraged me that I should. And now that I’ve written all of this, I think she was right.
It feels good to be honest with you. To pull the curtain back and show what’s happening in real time.
In love and light,
Anna
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