Quitting Kratom

An excerpt from my upcoming memoir, "Lonely Girl"

For those who are new here, welcome. This page is dedicated to sharing excerpts from my upcoming book, "Lonely Girl," as well as my creative writing and unfiltered thoughts. Today's excerpt focuses on the untangling of addiction, a difficult topic for me. I offer this story with the hope that you will read it with tenderness, compassion, and care.

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I called Erin and told her I had a problem.

“I’m ready to stop,” I said, “but I’m scared.”

I knew what came next: sleepless nights, restless legs, headaches, physical pain. The next five days would be a living hell. I had done this before, I knew what I was in for. I had tried to quit two times earlier this year. What made this time any different?

“Do you have any on you right now?” Erin asked.

“Yes,” I said on FaceTime.

“I want you to get them and show me,” she said.

I got up from my desk and walked into the kitchen where they were stored in a brown, wooden cabinet. I brought them into my bedroom and showed her.

“Good,” she said. “Now I want you to throw them away.”

“Erin,” I said.

“I’m serious. Right now. Not in the trash can in the kitchen. Go outside and throw them in the dumpster.”

“Okay,” I said, deep breath.

I got up from my desk and threw the bottles of Kratom into the dumpsters. I didn’t cry or complain, I didn’t say anything. I remained silent, prepared to let them go, and dreading what would come next.

The days that followed were exactly how I anticipated. Cold sweats. Restless legs. Pounding headaches. Lethargy. Depression. Even so, I was determined. I tended to myself like a nurse caring for a hospital patient. I made it my sole responsibility to drink waiter, eat nutritious meals, take walks outside, and rest. Lots of rest.

I had done this before, I thought, I could do it again. I was dedicated to seeing myself through the withdrawal process, I just had to hang on.

To convince myself it was the right decision to ditch Kratom for good, I pulled out my notebook and made a list of the pros and cons.

Kratom Pros:

Makes me feel good
Eases the pain

Kratom Cons:

Makes me feel like shit
Leaves me exhausted
Makes my skin bumpy
Diminishes my health
Costs a lot of money
Makes it hard to lose weight
Makes me groggy in the morning

I looked at the list for a while. It was a no brainer. Kratom made me feel good for five minutes until it made me feel worse for the rest of the day. When I wasn’t taking it, I was thinking about taking it. And after I had taken it, I felt guilty for taking it. This was the cycle of addiction that had robbed me of my joy, my life, and my freedom.

After I made my pros and cons list, I thought about the woman I wanted to be. I held a picture of her in my mind. She had long, auburn hair that was shiny and well-maintained. She was healthy. Her nails were done. Her skin glowed. She was wise, patient, self-disciplined and in control of herself and her behavior. I laid on my bed as I imagined this version of myself in my mind. I felt so far away from her now, divided from who I wanted to be. I knew this woman wouldn’t scurry to the bathroom to pop capsules of Kratom in hiding, I knew she wouldn’t steal painkillers from her mother, and I knew she wouldn’t spend her weekends taking drugs instead of being social with her friends. Who was this person I had become? Until now, I hadn’t stopped to ask.