I Didn't Know I Was Lonely

'lonely' was a dirty word

I watched my friends fall into love and was happy for them. Envious, really. I was social and made friends. Went to parties and dated. Had a full life with lots of fun in it. But, when the nights ended, and my friends went home with their partners, or the dead-end date kissed me goodbye, I felt this dull, aching pain in my chest.

I didn't know it was loneliness. As far as I was concerned, 'lonely' was a dirty word.

When I read The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, everything changed.

I read it so fast. I had never read a book that fast before. I kept reading and reading, and reading, until I got to Chapter 9, "Removing Your Inner Thorn."

"Let's say you have a deep sense of inner loneliness,” it said. "It's so deep that you have trouble sleeping at night, and during the day it makes you very sensitive…."

As I continued reading, the words leapt off the page and into my heart, into my psyche, as though he was speaking directly to me, yet, in another language. Words I had never spoken before, but somehow, knew intimately. Personally. As though I had created their meaning myself.

“You see, loneliness is just like the thorn,” it read. “We are walking around with lots of thorns touching right against the most sensitive part of our hearts. At any moment something can touch them and cause pain inside…”

By the time I finished reading, I realized I was crying.

The next day, I asked my mom if I could read part of the chapter to her. She agreed. So, I sat her down on the edge of my bed and began reading.

“I didn’t know you were lonely,” my mom said, when I had finished. She had this concerned look on her face. Was it sadness? Empathy? Surprise? I didn’t know for certain.

"I’m lonely, mom.” I whispered, like telling a secret.

Each time I saw my friends go home with their partners, it hurt. When I saw a mother taking care of her child, it hurt. When I walked home alone from a bar, it hurt.

It hurt all the time.

The older I got, the more afraid I became to hurt. I didn't want to hurt any longer, so I tried to protect myself from hurting.

I ate and I drank, and I smoked myself away. I attended every gathering, but I wasn’t really there. “This is who you are,” I told myself, “Maybe someday it will change.”

‘Someday’ took four years, a solo road trip across the continental U.S., and the formation of a completely new life to unravel this feeling, to undo the feeling that was more than a feeling, but a belief. That I would always feel this way.

That I would always be a Lonely Girl.

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Today is July 2, 2024.

In 29 days, I will launch my book, Lonely Girl.

Stay tuned.

More is coming.

🥀 Anna